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Stage one is over halfway over, meaning we only have about 30 more GOATS v GOATS series to suffer through before a new patch saves us. Let’s get to the rankings.

20. Washington Justice (+0)

Washington has sealed their fate. They now have a one game Stage, and that one game is Sunday, March 17th against the Florida Mayhem. That’s the only real opportunity to avoid a winless stage.

19. Los Angeles Valiant (-1)

Just when you think they couldn’t drop any lower, the Valiant go from losing all their series 3-2 to losing 3-1. Their stage one performance can audibly be summed up as thirty seconds of a whoopee cushion being sat on.

18. Florida Mayhem (-1)

How do you revamp your whole team and still suck just as much? Maybe an entire week practicing with McGravy can turn their play around, as he seemed to be the only bright spot I could find on this roster.

17. Shanghai Dragons (+2)

The Shanghai Dragons would have a winning record if they didn’t decide to just, you know, leave the payload in overtime on Dorado. Still, this team is working the kinks out, and I think they could do big things in Stage two

16. Los Angeles Gladiators (-4)

Congrats to the LA Gladiators! Due to the Lakers most likely missing the playoffs despite having the most talented player in NBA history, the Gladiators are still only the third most disappointing LA team this week!

15. Chengdu Hunters (-5)

I definitely got caught up in the glam and pizzazz of the Hunter’s offbeat comps and strategies. When it comes down to it, they just aren’t as good as most of the other teams.

14. Dallas Fuel (+2)

Dallas caught a break against Shanghai to force overtime, but they were still competent enough to close the series out. Also, give me AKM in the All-Star game, thank you.

13. Houston Outlaws (+2)

Ye haw folks, the Outlaws are a cupcake series against the Valiant from being .500. The ceiling for this Stage would seem to be playing spoiler against Atlanta in two weeks, but sometimes that’s the most fun thing to do.

12. Boston Uprising (+2)

Well, at least Boston doesn’t look hopeless anymore.

11. Seoul Dynasty (-5)

I really believed in you Seoul. All the signs pointed to you making big changes in order to compete for a championship. Instead, a second half collapse led to a fifth straight loss to the NYXL. What was once thought to be a potentially massive rivalry in the league is now just a one sided, few times a year ass-kicking.

10. San Francisco Shock (+1)

San Francisco had exactly the kind of week you want to have before facing New York. They only dropped a single map between their two series and moved into playoff contention. One of those teams was Washington so you have to dock their score a little bit, but still.

9. Hangzhou Spark (-1)

The Spark seem to have no trouble dispatching the bad teams but always come up short against the good teams. I’m sure the Hangzhou Railgun would be in the top three by now.

8. London Spitfire (+1)

London continues the resuscitation of their season after a disastrous week one. These guys are gonna be way underseeded in the playoffs and likely pull an upset on someone who isn’t the NYXL

7. Guangzhou Charge (+6)

Besides getting shocked by Chengdu the first game of the season and losing a close one to Vancouver, the Charge have looked like a solid team. It’s enough a pattern at this point to call Guangzhou a good team.

6. Paris Eternal (-4)

Have you ever seen a teams will get destroyed by a single ultimate? They still had two maps to play but that was when the series was over.

5. Philadelphia Fusion (+2)

Philadelphia is 3-2 with a game against the Valiant in their future. You haven’t clinched your playoff spot yet, but you gotta be feeling good if you’re Philly.

4. Toronto Defiant (+0)

It was just a map four when the series was already lost, but Toronto full held against New York on Dorado, and that’s gotta feel pretty good. Ivy is also proving himself to be a premier player in the League.

3. Vancouver Titans (+2)

Yeah, Vancouver’s pretty good. So what? None of these guys would play for them if they actually had to live there. What, do you want to live in California but colder? Washington but with weirder money? It’s fucking smaller San Francisco with moose, people.

2. Atlanta Reign (+1)

Atlanta was out for blood against Paris. That kind of preparation is what really separates teams in the playoffs. These guys are so good I’m willing to say that the Reign won’t Georgia-up a series until the Stage Finals.

1. New York Excelsior (+0)

Some people are upset we aren’t getting a Vancouver-New York series in stage one. They’re upset because they want to know who is better. I’ll just answer that question right now: New York is better than Vancouver. New York is better than everyone.